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My Life
  December 15, 2014
5:16 AM  
OMG PHOTOS UP TO DATE!!!
  August 20, 2014
10:27 PM  
After many hours of sweaty tears, gallery is fixed and up to date again.
  August 08, 2014
12:23 AM  
Grievances stage 2?
My flaming ball of rage has subsided into just a normal sized ball. In its place, extreme sadness, depression, pessimism, frustration have taken over. This feeling of hollowness is so vast that even my endless tears couldn't fill it. I find myself, once again, questioning the meaning of life and love and everything it encompasses. Back to my old pessimistic ways of expecting the worst, although actually not unwarranted this time. And oh so frustrated. With myself, For not doing better. For not being satisfied and wanting more. For failing to take happiness by my own hands when finally attempting to after so long. For foolishly into speaking my mind so openly apparently digging my own grave. And with him. For all his assumptions about me that are so terribly inaccurate. For the ones that aren't. For selflessly and selfishly giving up more than he can handle. For not trusting me. For not fucking trusting me. For spitefully not trusting me. For drudging up more past than I ever have and being more grudgeful than you criticize me for being. For misinterpreting my words, my actions, my love. What am I supposed to do or say at this point? What are the magical words to make this nightmare end? A quick fix would be unrealistic, but I can't even tell where the first step in the right direction is. This ought to be my greatest performance yet. Rolling over and dying is of comparable fun.
  August 07, 2014
7:37 PM  
Dear diary? I've been on hiatus trying to direct my thoughts and feelings into better, more meaningful destinations. But yesterday proved counter productive... huge understatement. So for now, I'm back to talking to my blog wall. And for those who follow, I will preemptively say no I don't wanna talk about it but thanks for the concern.

It just feels so ridiculous. I can't even put them into words well anymore. Only a couple hours has passed but my feeling of anger is growing. As if I didn't have enough anger management issues before. And it feels like we've regressed that I don't know what the past year was anymore. It wasn't the same to him as it was to me. And now what it was to me, feels tainted and ruined. How could have things come so far with this in the background. Now, I don't know how to go back. I don't know how to act. Do I pretend the things said never happened? It's pretty hard to unhear them. Try to be that picture perfect couple while harboring new ill feelings? Give up and admit that sometimes love is not enough? None of these are options I like, but I don't think there's another. I guess rebuild from nothing is. And hope that a love hate relationship is rebuildable. Still so angry. Wish I wasn't a destructive angry person. I'd be all those other emotions too if they weren't used up already. Neither of us are completely in the right. Though he may argue that. I see my faults and mistakes. It's just pretty fucking stupid that it feels like I was set up to fail. I guess that's reality. People say things, good and bad, whether true or not. Can't expect others to express themselves as truthfully as I do. Back to bring cynical about society, humanity, friends, boyfriends. In the end they have yet to fail me at not being honest, trustworthy, reliable, real. I guess it doesn't really bother me except for the bf part. All that talk of being fair. It's just become so unfair. A relationship is give and take of course. But who actually keeps track of points. Who gives and then says its unfair because they never take and therefore the other shouldn't have taken.
What ever happened to the idea that someone you can give without expecting. Perhaps it never was love at all. Or you've realized what you want is something else but can't act on it. That would suck, but better than trying to fix something that's unfixable.
  February 26, 2014
9:07 AM  
Only took like 2 months... photos updated! Up to date at least within my powers. Still never got photos from other peoples but gave up waiting. Mike and my pics from the cruise and MD trip are there.

So much stuff going on. Not bad stuff for once. But still stressing me outs. If you know what I'm talking about, it is happening. No official announcement yet though. No, I am not getting married. (And that joke is not or ever was amusing!) If only I was more easy going, I wouldn't over think, over plan, over anything. Less than three weeks of work left. Going to be a rush after my last day to do everything. Will feel good to have it all done and over with. Then comes the exciting next part. Almost as if things are finally falling into place... hope I don't jinx myself.
  February 16, 2014
11:12 AM  
Going to be one of those sleepless nights s. Wish it wasn't Monday tomorrow. My head just won't stop thinking and my heart feels restless. Silence, being left alone is what I hate the most. The worst part of being willing to wait forever for someone is... clearly the waiting. It's scary not knowing. Applicable to so many things right now. Hopefully my dreams won't be haunted if I can pass out.
  February 15, 2014
12:58 PM  
Less than perfect recently. Thanks for the concern but don't really wanna talk. The situation is pretty stupid. Neither of us is actually willing to put the other first. We both think we do and say we would, but stubbornness proves different.

I've spent way to much time time analyzing the situation and there's no way to resolve it without someone suffering. That unfortunately will be me because he is too proud to do what I want?, cares too much about his reputation?, taking no consideration for me? All of the above? Even though there's not one, but three clear ways to make me happy, nothing is being done. At this point it's safe to say nothing will be done. But don't ever say you didn't know what to do, or were set up to fail because I've only set you up with many chances to not. You are choosing to keep me upset just as much as you think I'm choosing to be. I believe I was being reasonable enough to accept your two strikes. Three was too much. There's no counting the past for this. In case you've forgot, you are the one who has away. What time have you given me or I've taken? 90% of 0 is 0. Oops, this is turning into another rageful monologue.

The whole thing brings to light many weaknesses our relationship. Most disturbingly, if it's so easy for him to not see me, then maybe he shouldn't. If he can't choose me now, then maybe he shouldn't ever. If he thinks this much damage to our relationship is worth it, then how much value is he actually putting on it.
  February 09, 2014
9:53 AM  
Life sucks and will continue to suck throughout the foreseeable future. It really seems like nothing can consecutively go right. It's simply becoming too emotionally exhausting. I think I'm going to have to start trying something they I'm not a fan of which is to let go and care less. Definitely not my strong suit. But I feel like I'm out of options. We're clearly not getting over this hurdle the way things are. I mean we've already violently crashed in to it more than a couple times. Hopefully two steps back will allow us to move forward in this regard, and not just back.
  February 04, 2014
9:22 AM  
Sickish. Grumpish. Feels like I was just sick... early December? The one day I go out. Haven't had a fever yet, which is good cause otherwise it'd probably be the flu. Having to blow my stuffy but somehow runny nose every 5-10m also sucks though. That is an improvement to yesterday's 1m. Wouldn't be so bad if I had my body pillow to cling on to. No I have not had one of those since moving to Japan. All I has now is an awol bf. No I did not approve this so yes it is awol. Yes I shall complain and continue to complain and whine and bitch cause it's the only thing I can do. There's so many things to do and deal with before April. Thinking about it will probably make me grind through this plastic. I dunno if I'd rather be sad or angry. I'd probably end up being both though.

Last Edited: February 05, 2014 - 9:02 AM
  February 02, 2014
4:01 AM  
Productive Friday. Fast Saturday. Slow Sunday. Friday night I wasted an hour waiting for an entire month of hankos. Then wrote a many cover letters for new jobs. Exciting and scary to think about finally changing to a different school. Still going to look at non teaching stuff too but after I finish submitting to teaching ones that interest me. Yesterday went on a day trip with Fujimi. Sky Duck tour. Not great. Bowling. 4 teams of course mine won. I started off with a turkey cause I'm just that awesome. Individual competition, I lost to another guy.. by two points. Grrr. Dinner at a fancy hotel sky restaurant. Nijikai had a crazy view. Got to see Mike... via the Skype. Missing him so much. Technically I wouldn't have seen him until the weekend again, but I guess the regular phone calls and substantial texts help reduce the feeling even more than I realized. Today moved my first suitcase. Did not take very long to do what I wanted to for this trip so spent some time being the best gf ever. Took a nap cause I went to bed super late and got like 6hrs of sleep. Organize some more and JPL stuff when I get home me thinks.
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