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My Life
  February 26, 2014
9:07 AM  
Only took like 2 months... photos updated! Up to date at least within my powers. Still never got photos from other peoples but gave up waiting. Mike and my pics from the cruise and MD trip are there.

So much stuff going on. Not bad stuff for once. But still stressing me outs. If you know what I'm talking about, it is happening. No official announcement yet though. No, I am not getting married. (And that joke is not or ever was amusing!) If only I was more easy going, I wouldn't over think, over plan, over anything. Less than three weeks of work left. Going to be a rush after my last day to do everything. Will feel good to have it all done and over with. Then comes the exciting next part. Almost as if things are finally falling into place... hope I don't jinx myself.
  February 16, 2014
11:12 AM  
Going to be one of those sleepless nights s. Wish it wasn't Monday tomorrow. My head just won't stop thinking and my heart feels restless. Silence, being left alone is what I hate the most. The worst part of being willing to wait forever for someone is... clearly the waiting. It's scary not knowing. Applicable to so many things right now. Hopefully my dreams won't be haunted if I can pass out.
  February 15, 2014
12:58 PM  
Less than perfect recently. Thanks for the concern but don't really wanna talk. The situation is pretty stupid. Neither of us is actually willing to put the other first. We both think we do and say we would, but stubbornness proves different.

I've spent way to much time time analyzing the situation and there's no way to resolve it without someone suffering. That unfortunately will be me because he is too proud to do what I want?, cares too much about his reputation?, taking no consideration for me? All of the above? Even though there's not one, but three clear ways to make me happy, nothing is being done. At this point it's safe to say nothing will be done. But don't ever say you didn't know what to do, or were set up to fail because I've only set you up with many chances to not. You are choosing to keep me upset just as much as you think I'm choosing to be. I believe I was being reasonable enough to accept your two strikes. Three was too much. There's no counting the past for this. In case you've forgot, you are the one who has away. What time have you given me or I've taken? 90% of 0 is 0. Oops, this is turning into another rageful monologue.

The whole thing brings to light many weaknesses our relationship. Most disturbingly, if it's so easy for him to not see me, then maybe he shouldn't. If he can't choose me now, then maybe he shouldn't ever. If he thinks this much damage to our relationship is worth it, then how much value is he actually putting on it.
  February 09, 2014
9:53 AM  
Life sucks and will continue to suck throughout the foreseeable future. It really seems like nothing can consecutively go right. It's simply becoming too emotionally exhausting. I think I'm going to have to start trying something they I'm not a fan of which is to let go and care less. Definitely not my strong suit. But I feel like I'm out of options. We're clearly not getting over this hurdle the way things are. I mean we've already violently crashed in to it more than a couple times. Hopefully two steps back will allow us to move forward in this regard, and not just back.
  February 04, 2014
9:22 AM  
Sickish. Grumpish. Feels like I was just sick... early December? The one day I go out. Haven't had a fever yet, which is good cause otherwise it'd probably be the flu. Having to blow my stuffy but somehow runny nose every 5-10m also sucks though. That is an improvement to yesterday's 1m. Wouldn't be so bad if I had my body pillow to cling on to. No I have not had one of those since moving to Japan. All I has now is an awol bf. No I did not approve this so yes it is awol. Yes I shall complain and continue to complain and whine and bitch cause it's the only thing I can do. There's so many things to do and deal with before April. Thinking about it will probably make me grind through this plastic. I dunno if I'd rather be sad or angry. I'd probably end up being both though.

Last Edited: February 05, 2014 - 9:02 AM
  February 02, 2014
4:01 AM  
Productive Friday. Fast Saturday. Slow Sunday. Friday night I wasted an hour waiting for an entire month of hankos. Then wrote a many cover letters for new jobs. Exciting and scary to think about finally changing to a different school. Still going to look at non teaching stuff too but after I finish submitting to teaching ones that interest me. Yesterday went on a day trip with Fujimi. Sky Duck tour. Not great. Bowling. 4 teams of course mine won. I started off with a turkey cause I'm just that awesome. Individual competition, I lost to another guy.. by two points. Grrr. Dinner at a fancy hotel sky restaurant. Nijikai had a crazy view. Got to see Mike... via the Skype. Missing him so much. Technically I wouldn't have seen him until the weekend again, but I guess the regular phone calls and substantial texts help reduce the feeling even more than I realized. Today moved my first suitcase. Did not take very long to do what I wanted to for this trip so spent some time being the best gf ever. Took a nap cause I went to bed super late and got like 6hrs of sleep. Organize some more and JPL stuff when I get home me thinks.
  January 23, 2014
8:23 AM  
That was a fast dive. Floating in my depression hole. Hard to keep my head out of the water. I don't know if anyone knows how I feel or if I'm just built different. There's so much I want/need to do, but not feeling motivated. Can't stop questioning everything. Why is it so difficult to feel safe and secure. I don't only want someone. I want to be someone's.
  January 22, 2014
9:59 AM  
It's been months. Kind of have been directing my thoughts to more direct audiences. Probably people who are still following my blog know somewhat about what/who had been going on in my life.

I can easily say I can't remember the last time I've been this happy, or felt this lucky. Of course at the price of all sorts of stress and insecurities, but worth it. Negative, cynical, pessimistic thoughts are my specialty. I'm trying my best to talk them out and avoid conjuring them up in general. All I need is like 5 minutes to myself though... so always proves to be a challenge. The primary goal is to mitigate potential damage from exploding. I'd like to think I'm doing pretty well. I admit I still have stupid tantrums and some legit ones! Things are quiet considering what I'm capable of.

And things are progressing... rather quickly from one perspective. Yet, it feels like a "finally" too. It's hard to say whether the path we've walked has been best, but it is the path we walked. And trying no regret philosophy. So I say it's yet to prove bad.

The upcoming year will prove be quite the test for us. Long time together and long times apart. Only good at one of those. Not looking forward to the other. I think the experience is needed though to see if we will survive the longer run. Perhaps realize how much or how little we mean to each other.
  December 09, 2013
8:33 AM  
Photos updated. New pics to school, Thanksgiving, and some random stuff.

Year coming to an end quickly! Exciting and nerve racking week coming up. Followed by another! And pretty much til the end of my winter vacation. Deciding if I should bring my cammie (yea it's like 7 years old but I paid with it with my blood and sweat and tears and bloody tears and sweaty blood!) cause I'm getting criticized for crappy quality pics on it. So maybe it will be a smartphone vacation or share his we will. Filling the suitcase with as much souvenirs and as little clothes as I can. They apparently changed luggage allowance on international flights (JP to NA) to the same as everyone else! Outrageous. Only one bag now for free instead of two. How will I ever return return to America now. I moved here with 2 overweight bags! XD

  October 01, 2013
11:59 AM  
Past midnight and waiting for my hair to dry... so quick brief.

Saturday was Sports Day in Chiyoda. Went to Bancho then Fujimi. Good times. Kids always impress. Nomikai was good but since I ran between schools, I didn't really get to eat lunch. Bancho ends their first half later than Fujimi. Fujimi starts up earlier than Bancho. The run only took 15m but before I even reached Fujimi I could hear the loudspeaker saying 入場! wtfs. I ate my melted pandas and Yuhara先生、 who was visiting, gave me half a sandwich she had leftover. xD Point is, I could feel the booze on the first glass. Then I had like 3 more. Then at the after party our table was doing sake. Many shots in a quick time. Betty kept saying how she never gets drunk.. but she no feel so good. Nothing bad happened but we all agreed to stop feeding me alcohols. XD

Consequently, Sunday was a woozy day. Was all thinking I would get my workout in and then go down to Machida for lunch with Mike.... Instead I woke up at 7am with the drunk munchies. Tried to eat but felt nauseous instead. Couldn't go back to sleep. Organized photos/videos from Sports Day. As I was getting ready to go, Skyped with Mom. I know it's been a while, my bads. But I was already feeling physically sick and she got me feeling emotionally bad too! Thanks always for smacking me in the face with reality. Made it to Machida. Zach was there to pick up some stuff. Unfortunately for him I was not feeling socialable. Mike "made" lunch, as in reheated store bought food. The food was not what he thought it was either. XD Bummed about for the rest of the day. I did get off my ass to make dinner though. Started watching Jiro sushi documentary. Didn't finish, but can't get sushi out of my mind ever since.

Monday. Other than losing many times to my latest game, Candy Crush (damn you), I attempted to finish The Last of Us. Guess what, where I saved last really was the end. I walked my character like 10 feet and then I got the credits. Ending was kinda meh. Just like the Breaking Bad finale (am I the only one who thinks that it wasn't great?). Finally bought new grip tape for my rackets. Lots of "feels" and colors to choose from. x_x Thinking I will YT and try it. Or if it looks complicated, I'll ask Howie or the gym teacher at school to do it for me! XD Didn't do much except browse food shops. Was all ready to sushi for lunch or sushi for dinner... but then as I was waiting in line to pay my rent at the ATM, I remembered I ain't getting a pay check this month. xD orz. It'll probably still happened next week after I stop thinking about monies. Made Chinese for dinner. Need to go bother Wah for his General Tso's sauce recipe next time in Maryland. XD Mike also discovered my secret Instagrams of his unflattering pics. D; I'll post wut I wantz!

Twosdays. Was also a holiday. Resident's Day... of Chiyoda? Tokyo? Not sure, but schools are closed. Finished watching Breaking Bad. I wasn't in love with the show, but it was enjoyable. Maybe will catch up downloading all the new seasons of everything this week. D: Kinda catching up on One Piece too... during my workouts. Yes I play two videos at once. Will come back to that. Was a rainy day so wasn't looking forward to going outside, nevertheless the hour commute, but at least I got a seat on the train. Got some JPL updating done and photos uploaded as posted previously. JPL.com orders have been bad last month. Probably my fault due to lack of updates. But eBay and Amazon have been pretty good. Was hoping to eventually stop using eBay, but maybe can't now. Got my workout in after private lesson tonight. Third workout of the program... took an unscheduled 3 day break due, but bounced back! I did a post office run afterwards too and managed to run to and back with only 2 stops! It's not far but if you know my running ability and stamina level, that is a realllly huge improvement for just getting back into it. I am feeling more motivated than usual for various reasons. Feeling pretty good too. I have to say I like the pain afterwards though I will complain much. And come tomorrow I am probably gonna regret it extra cause I will be sleepy and tired for exercise and staying up til... 1 AM to type this crap and oh yeah, I have an observation lesson tomorrow. Huzzah. Let's not fuck up. :D I'll try not to nod off during the discussion meeting. My track record this year has not been good. :X

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